I’ve been quiet. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t want to burden people with my emotions. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t think I’m alone in my feelings but I’m not fine.
I’m not ok. I’m extremely lonely, to the point of disparity and feel like life is wasting away in front of me and everyone is coping better than I am.
In truth, we’re probably all feeling like this to a certain extent. Maybe some lucky people who live with partners or friends might not notice it so much but generally we’re all in the same boat.
It’s uncharted territory for us. Do we talk about it and risk people thinking we’re negative or draining? Do we ignore it and each other and hope it passes soon? Will people think less of us for feeling like this? Would talking about it make it better or worse? Who knows. Maybe just talking in general will help.
I’m lucky in some ways because I have the security of a job and a home. I can go to the office if I want to and punctuate my time somewhat but those professional interactions don’t really help. I can’t even remember the last time I had real social interaction with a friend.
I wake up alone. I drink coffee and smoke a cigarette on my balcony alone. I sit on the edge where the sunlight is and look below to see people walking with other people. Their friends. Their partners. Their dogs. They smile and get into cars together and drive places.
I work. I go for a walk with no destination or purpose just for the sake of getting out of my apartment and moving my body. I make dinner and then reside myself to my sofa to binge on whatever series I’m watching at the moment until it’s time to sleep again.
I spend huge amounts of time on apps hoping to find some human interaction. Dare I even think it – romance or even just someone to distract me from my feelings with some ‘fun’. Mostly to no avail. The majority of guys on the apps are just looking for drug-fuelled group sex. Maybe that’s their way of coping with the same feelings, but it’s not for me.
In truth I was lonely before 2020 but I had coping mechanisms and the occasional social interaction with friends and family that took the edge off.
After work I would go to a bar and drink a few diet cokes just to be around people before I go home to be alone again.
I don’t know how to conclude this post or what I even want to achieve from it but I just wanted to say it.
Maybe you feel it too and will feel a tiny bit less isolated?
Be kind to each other. Be there for one another and if you’re one of the lucky ones, spare a thought for your single friends who live alone. They might not have even spoken to another person in real life (apart from at the supermarket checkout) for weeks/months. “Mit karte bitte” (with card please).
If you don’t know what to say but just want to say something and be heard, comment below. I’ll hear you.
10 thoughts on “Mit karte bitte: Loneliness and isolation”
Miss you Monsieur 👯♀️💕 Hope life is allowing us soon to see each other.
I miss you too Madame! As soon as I’m allowed and you are set up I’m coming to Paris! x
I hear you. xx And I hope that as the world opens up again so too will yours. It’s never easy moving away from home and the familiarity that friends and family bring. Work is never going to be enough. There are so many people in this same ship believe me, and like you say not just single people. Try to throw all the sunshine you can at the next few months – plan in trips home, visit new places, converse with strangers (not just romantic ones 😉 on chance occasions like when you’re getting your coffees. Send funny memes to friends – I will happily accept. LEARN GERMAN. And talking to someone about it can alleviate a lot. Lots of love, Leanne xx
Thank you for saying that, Leanne! God how I miss our talks in the office. You can always make me smile! I’ve made some plans to visit London in a few weeks. Let’s talk! x
I have never read an article reflecting my emotions better than what you have just published.
I have been going through this swamp of emotional dullness for over three years now…. moving to another country was a giant mistake in all aspects but financial success. However that only full fills you momentarily… . I have only seen my partner once in the past 15 months.. I can barely see my family in germany and all of my remaining friends work in hospitals and go from one quarantine into the next. I feel like Saoirse Ronan in “the lovely bones”…. wading through a parallel universe unable to interact with my loved ones… . When i came down with a moderately-severe case of COVID-19 in December it opened the gates to my long cast-off depressions. With all the possible neurological side-effects Ms. Rona brings to the table i was left defenseless against a relentless tsunami of darkness which is almost impossible to escape.
I was never the super outgoing type to begin with but this situation has left me craving for anything but the infamous me-time i used to cherish above anything else. I.don’t.want. to. be. with. myself. anymore. . I am glad however that I am fortunate enough to live in a time where social media enables at least some form of interaction albeit it being just as cold as the plastic i use to pay for my food after uttering the most spoken sentence in german history” mit Karte bitte”.
I’m so glad you felt heard by this post. I too recently relocated to a new country for work – right at the start of the first lock down. I thought when I moved that it will all be over in a few months, but here we are – almost a year later and in the same position as when I got here. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. x
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hear you, and it sounds very similar to my own experience. I am lucky because I live with my partner who is working from home, but he is constantly busy with various projects and I am always in my own. I go on a daily walk through the City of London just to get out of my flat, and the only distraction I have is the Tesco delivery driver once a week. I used to go to the same bar as you several times a week just in order to be surrounded by other people, but I was too shy to speak to anyone. I saw you standing there with your diet coke on a regular basis and I had no idea that you were feeling as lonely as I was. I wish I had found the courage to speak to you.
Thank you for sharing your story too. X
How beautifully written 💕 I feel you. The never ending routine of it all. It’s hard to find joy sometimes & not feel lonely. Sending you as much love as I can 💙
Just stumbled upon this article. Thanks for sharing. I used to live in Berlin so know how it feels being in a new city alone.
It takes time but you will settle in, trust me.