Consent within the LGBTQ community

The LGBTQ community has progressed quickly when it comes to sexual liberation. Many of us have let go of the preconceived heteronormative ideas about sex and relationships. With that though, I feel that some grey areas have emerged when it comes to consent. 

Some behaviour has become normalised and unwanted physical contact or remarks have become acceptable which I’d like to challenge here.

It’s something I got all too used to myself until a few years ago when I realised how uncomfortable it made me. I would always blame myself for the situation and think “I shouldn’t have worn those jeans” or “It’s my fault for going to that place”.

I’ve now started to speak up when I’m not ok with something and defend others when I see it happening. The Rape Culture Pyramid by 11th Principle Consent does a great job of putting consent into perspective. It helps us to understand how normalising some behaviours can, in time lead to supporting or excusing others.

BODY AUTONOMY

Normalisation begins from childhood when our parents unsuspectingly teach us to let go of body autonomy by encouraging us to have physical contact with their friends and family. We’re told to “give Auntie a cuddle” and ‘sit on Santa’s lap’ even though we might not want to.

I’m not suggesting we stop our children from having physical contact with people. I’m promoting that we give them a choice. What if we asked “Would you like to give Nanny a kiss?” If they say no, don’t force or guilt them into it. This behaviour can teach them over time that it’s ok for people to touch them when they don’t want them to.

We shouldn’t put other people’s needs in front of our own when it comes to our bodies. Your body is YOURS. If you don’t want someone to touch it, even in a non-sexual way, that is YOUR CHOICE. They have to respect that. If they don’t like it, it’s their problem, not yours.

CONSENT IN BARS

Bars and clubs are prime locations for inappropriate behaviour. When people are under the influence, their perception of their actions is altered and they can act without as much thought as they usually might. 

I used to forgive it all too easily and act like it didn’t bother me. After many years of being the recipient of unwanted sexual contact in bars, I finally snapped one night in Clapham.

I’d been drinking with some friends and decided it was time to leave. While trying to quickly make my way through the crowd, a total stranger thought it would be ok to fully grab my package. I took his wrist, twisted it around and said “Are you trying to lose a fucking hand?”. 

His response was that I was overreacting and that he was just being playful. He made me feel like I was being dramatic, but in reality, that was sexual harassment. No question about it. I don’t give a flying fuck about how many drinks you’ve had. If you can’t control yourself when you drink, then you shouldn’t be out in public. Simple. It is NEVER ok to molest a stranger; regardless of where you are or how intoxicated you are. It’s your responsibility to control yourself.

Physical abuse isn’t always as obvious as my experiences have been. I had to step in to help a friend in another London bar who was getting really uncomfortable. We were standing next to a seated area and someone had placed their hand in a way that would ensure he would be able to touch/graze my friend’s ass whenever he got close. He was being very obvious about it and wouldn’t stop staring. His hand was in such an awkward position that the only reason it would be there would be to touch my friend. 

I could see it happening and my blood began to boil. My friend told me not to worry about it because he didn’t want to cause a scene, but I could see that he was growing more and more annoyed. Whenever he moved, the guy would reposition himself. He was getting braver and looked as though he was going to go for a full grab. I pulled my friend out of the way and got down to this guy’s level. I told him that what he’s doing is sexual harassment and he needs to stop. He went bright red and left the bar as soon as I turned back around.

I hope he went home and thought about how his actions had made my friend feel. Afterwards he thanked me for sticking up for him. He’s in his 40’s and had always just accepted unwanted physical contact as part of life as a gay man. He said that my reaction had assured him that it was ok to defend himself when he feels uncomfortable.

If you are the victim of this behavior or if you see it happen to someone else, don’t be silent. Not saying anything further excuses their actions and could progress to something much worse. You are never in the wrong when supporting someone who’s experiencing sexual harassment.

Of course normal bars and clubs are one thing, but as queer people we also have sex clubs and cruising venues where some might think that anything goes. I discuss this topic in my post about darkroom and cruising etiquette. Regardless of where you are or what you’re wearing – if you don’t want someone to touch you, then they should not be touching you!

HOOKING UP USING APPS

Nowadays with the help of apps it’s easier to make sure that all parties of a sexual experience give their consent. People are able to be clear about their motivation before you even agree to meet them which can help to take some of the uncertainty out of the equation. 

That being said however, if you’re meeting someone for the first time, there’s still a chance that they might not want to have sex with you. I’ve been guilty of meeting a guy for the first time, not feeling chemistry, but feeling obliged to have sex with them even though I didn’t want to. I’ve allowed it to happen because I felt bad about having made a commitment and changing my mind. 

We shouldn’t feel that pressure. I’ve started to own my feelings more and if I’m not into it, I just politely say that it’s not working for me and ask them to leave. There are of course nice ways to do that.

I usually just say ”You seem like a really nice person but I’m not feeling the chemistry so I think it’s best that we leave it here”. Of course they’re disappointed and one or two have been difficult about it, but most are completely ok with it.

If you’re not feeling it, there’s a good chance that they’re not either. You can’t be expected to have chemistry with everyone you meet. Remember that it’s totally ok to say that something’s not working for you. Even if you’ve shown up to someone’s house, you can still change your mind and no still means no.

MEETING SOMEONE IN PERSON

Meeting people in real life for the first time is great because you have the security of knowing they’re genuine and if you have chemistry. It does however create a need for a more official consent. 

If you’re kissing someone in a club and you invite them back to your place, you should be really clear about your intentions. While ‘no means no’ is always important to remember, ‘yes means yes’ is more important to be aware of when meeting someone in real life.

You need to be sure that they are enthusiastic about doing whatever you’re doing. This doesn’t mean you have to ask them every five minutes if they’re ok, but if they’re not actively showing their enthusiasm throughout, they might not be ok with something but feel bad about saying so.

They might like you and feel pressured to have sex because you’re hot or nice or they’re lonely and might feel embarrassed to say that they’re not looking for sex. They might even just have trouble with saying ‘no’.

Believe it or not, there are still some romantics out there! Maybe they saw you and thought they’d like to get to know you better in case you are relationship potential? Not everyone is interested in no-strings fun…

CATFISHING AND CATDICKING

Catfishing is by far my biggest pet peeve in the online dating world. A catfish is someone using another person’s pictures in order to engage in conversation with you online. They’re most likely just using you to fulfil their fantasies and feel desirable. 

In gay world they’ll probably appear as a newly created profile with their distance hidden. They’ll have pictures of a super hot guy who claims to be single, huge-hung and a top (isn’t that enough of an alarm bell for you?).

It’s most likely that you’ll talk to these people for a while, swap pictures and arrange to meet. They love to talk about details of what you’re going to do together. Just before the date they’ll disappear, block you or constantly make excuses about not being able to show up. This is deceptive and deceitful because they’re lying to you to get you to share private material with them.

While this is completely unacceptable, the common catfisher will probably never get close enough to you to cause any unwanted physical contact. You should however look out for catDICKERS! A phrase coined by my best friend when I brought up the topic of consent. 

A catdicker is someone who presents as their real self but sends you pictures of someone else’s private parts to make themself look more appealing to meet up. Most likely sending you pictures of a huge dick, or a peachy ass if it’s a guy. This poses a definite consent issue for me. 

In this case you might agree to meet and have sex with someone, but that was based on the informaiton and pictures they shared with you. They’re actually preying on people who might not be brave enough to walk out of a situation that they’re not comfortable with. They’re actively hoping that you will meet them and feel like you can’t say no to having sex with them because it will make you seem shallow. To me this is way beyond the common catfisher. This is a step closer to rape. 

This happened to me again very recently and this time I actually just said “that’s not the dick you send me pictures of. I feel uncomfortable and I’m leaving”. No niceties this time! Of course this guy got defensive and claimed that he had not shared other people’s pictures, but in this case it was VERY obvious. His D was missing about two inches and a foreskin… You can’t blame bad lighting for that, sweetie!

As I said in the previous section – you always have the right to change your mind. If you meet someone and you don’t like what you see PLEASE feel empowered enough to say no and leave. You don’t owe that person anything.

If you suspect you’re speaking with a catfish, ask if they have a social media platform you can verify them with. I like to ask for their Instagram. You can send a DM to the person on Instagram to check that it’s really them that you’re talking to if you’re still unsure that they are who they say they are.

Video calling is also helpful for that and is supported on most apps now so you don’t need to exchange any further contact information to be able to verify who you’re speaking to.

Another little hack I found for Grindr and Scruff is to ask them where they are (assuming that their distance/location is hidden). Add them as a favourite and see where they show up in your favourites grid. If they say that they’re around the corner and on your grid they’re behind that guy you met in Sitges who lives in Italy, you can pretty much bet that they’re not who they say they are. And even if they are – they’re lying before they’ve even met you… Is that someone you want to meet?

STALKING

Stalking can be SCARY. The victim can be left feeling completely violated, anxious and unsafe. It ranges from continued harassment on the street and taking pictures without someone’s consent to full blown obsessive stalking and threats.

When I was working in Soho I had one guy who would stand directly in front of me and shamelessly take pictures of me. He’d sometimes then smile at me while he did it even though I had a horrified look on my face. One day I was texting my sister on Old Compton Street and out of nowhere a hand came in front of my face. It was him and he showed me a curated album full of pictures of me. Some of them were taken on the street. Some from my Instagram and some that he must have catfished me to get. The album was even titled with my name. 

He looked so proud of himself and in his world I think he was expecting me to be impressed. I was completely shocked and just looked at him and said “You’re a fucking creep…”. He walked away smiling and kept turning around to wink at me and lick his lips. I felt so violated. He completely invaded my personal space and made me so uncomfortable.

That week at work I saw him every lunch time and by Friday I had to ask a colleague to go out with me in case I saw him again. We saw some Police on the street and she encouraged me to talk to them. I explained the situation and they said that if an incident like that happens more than two times (which it had) it was harrassment. He advised me that I should very clearly tell him that I am not interested in him in any way and to stay away from me if it happens again.

The next time I saw him taking pictures of me, I did just that. He maintained that creepy smile and acted like the words went straight through one ear and out of the other. This happened AGAIN the following week. By this point I was done with this shit. I took out my phone, stood in front of him and took a picture of him. His creepy smile soon turned to fear and he scampered off. I never saw him again!

While this worked, looking back, this might not have been a very smart move because he might have thought that I was into it all. A friend of mine in the police advised that in that situation, I should just report him to the police, not engage with him whatsoever and log and report all further incidents.

I had another issue with someone who freaked out after I ignored his message (a blank profile of course) on Grindr. He opted for the digital harassment route and proceeded to hurl abuse at me on every platform he could find. I would be sitting in a meeting and suddenly get a huge wave of notifications. He was commenting on every picture on Instagram. I would block his profile and he’d come back in minutes with a new one. I wondered how I’d make it stop! 

It got scary when he messaged me on LinkedIn to tell me that my sister (who had left me a public review for some work I did for her) was ‘a very pretty girl’. I immediately called the police. I told them everything and they created a report for it. They advised me to just keep on ignoring him, never respond to anything, keep blocking him everywhere and hope that he gets bored eventually. Luckily after a full week of abuse, he finally got bored (or found a new target for his anger).

Thankfully I don’t have a personal experience of full-blown-show-up-at-your-doorstep stalker to share, but I can only advise that if anything like this happens to you, do not engage with that person at all and report them to the police immediately. You never know how many people they’re doing this to – you might just save a life – if not your own!

DRINK SPIKING

Taking away someone’s ability to say no (or anything) tops the chart when it comes to violating consent. Drink spiking happens far more frequently than you might expect, and with multiple motives. 

The most obvious motive is rape. It’s also widely used by thieves to fool people into their bedrooms and then rob them blind while they’re passed out. 

My one experience of being spiked was luckily not related to either of the above. I was about 19 at the time and one of my sisters’ friends wanted to take me to her favourite club in the town we grew up in. She absolutely owned the title of ‘fag hag’ and loved dancing and being silly with me.

Shortly after we arrived, I bought us both a drink. We both had a single vodka and diet coke. It was my first drink of the night. She was a pretty lady so it wasn’t a surprise that she quickly caught the attention of some guys. We were still standing next to the bar when they came over to talk to her. She wasn’t really into them and said she was just here with her friend (me) to have a good time. They looked me up and down, smiled and walked away. We carried on chatting at the bar and decided to go for a dance. The next thing I remember was being on the ground of the road in front of the club – completely disoriented and confused.

My head was spinning. I asked the bouncer what had happened and they said I was too drunk and they made me leave. Too drunk?! I’d had one drink! Still confused, I called my friend and she didn’t answer. 30 minutes later, she came running out of the club looking for me. She said I wandered off and didn’t come back and that those guys wouldn’t leave her alone. 

I can’t say for certain, but I’m 99% sure that they spiked me to get me out of their way so they could make another move on my friend. Luckily she’s very strong-minded and was far more streetwise than I was at the time and got out of there when she felt uncomfortable. 

Ever since then I’ve been very aware about what’s going on around me in bars and clubs. My tips for anyone new to the scene are:

• Never accept drinks from a stranger in a bar unless they came directly from the bartender
• Don’t accept drinks at a stranger’s house unless you saw them prepare it from scratch, using unopened bottles.
• Never leave your drink unattended. If possible, get a bottled drink in bars and clubs so you can put your finger in the top of it between sips.

HOW TO FIND HELP

If you are the victim of sexual violence please know that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Too many victims are too afraid to talk about what happened to them and bury it deep in their minds. 

Don’t ever think that you did anything to encourage what happened to you. Someone taking advantage of you and physically abusing you is never your fault. Seek help as soon as possible from the police and a doctor. Tell them everything you know, let them run tests and confide in someone close to you.

Galop specialises in helping LGBTQ victims of sexual violence in the UK. Other local charities near you will also be very equipt to help you get through the trauma you’ve experienced. Talking to someone doesn’t show weakness. It shows great strength. Targeting it head on is the healthiest way to recovery.