Cruising & darkroom etiquette

Darkroom and cruising etiquette might not be the first thing you think about when you’re horny enough to pluck up the courage and dive into the darkness for the first time.

One of the perks of being a queer man is the open and liberal approach to sex which is widely accepted within our community; but it’s important to know what you’re doing first.

There are certain internationally recognised, unspoken rules which we abide by. Breaking them might reduce your chances and others of having a good time.

Appropriate dress and fragrance

Before you even get to the cruising bar, make sure you’re dressed appropriately. If you’ve just been for some ‘fabulous’ cocktails and you’re wearing your favourite designer shoes and a dinner jacket, you’re going to feel like a prick as soon as you walk in.

This isn’t a place for showing off your fashion sense. No one in here cares if you’re an influencer or how much you spent in Selfridges last weekend – we’re here for one reason only – to fuck! Also, those perfectly white Alexander McQueen trainers are going to look like your old gym shoes by the time you leave, so just leave them at home…

Depending on the venue/event you could wear something fetish-y or something casual that makes you feel sexy. A safe choice would be to go for shorts and a T-shirt/tank top and trainers. It’s going to get hot inside so you don’t want to be wearing lots of clothes. They’ll hopefully be coming off anyway! Most places will have lockers or a coat-check so you can change when you arrive.

Another important thing to consider is fragrance (or better lack-there-of). Fragrance is a beautiful way of expressing yourself. It can change your mood, set the tone of a date and create scent memories. 

The darkroom however (or the dance floor for that matter), is not the place to try to stimulate people’s olfactory senses. Perhaps you can get away with a spritz of a subtle, inoffensive eau de toilette, but if you show up wearing half a bottle of a Tom Ford Oud eau de parfum, it’s likely going to have the opposite effect to what you’d hoped for.

Fragrances like that are very polarising. A select few might love it, but most will find it overpowering, invasive and obnoxious. Chris in the cubicle next door might be having the time of his life sniffing his chosen partners’ pits and you can bet that he doesn’t want your stank seeping through the glory hole or under the door.

When in doubt – leave it out!

Attitude and behaviour

No darkroom or cruising etiquette guide would be complete without discussing respect and attitude. If you’re too scared to go in by yourself, maybe try it out with one close friend. Rocking up to a cruising bar with a gaggle of your mates, screaming, laughing and taking selfies is NOT the vibe. People will just avoid you altogether.

Don’t get me wrong, no one expects you to be super masculine. Don’t try to put on a performance that you’re some untouchable stud who’s above everyone else, because you can guarantee that untouched is exactly how you’ll leave. That kind of toxic behaviour won’t get you anywhere in here. Just be yourself, be respectful, be careful and enjoy exploring your sexuality. You can even smile! 😉 

Allow your eyes to adjust

Darkrooms are… dark. Most will have some dim red lights so you can see who’s there and what’s going on, but it’s still pretty dark. I’ve walked into some places where I literally couldn’t see my hand in front of my face.

In those situations, find yourself a quiet corner and give your eyes a moment to adjust. Within a few minutes you’ll think you’re an owl with super powers. Go get that D, Owl Man!

Don’t forget that new guys walking in might be having the same issue, so they might need a few minutes themselves before they’re ready to play.

Wristbands and the hanky code 

Ok, so you’re dressed appropriately, you’ve checked your coat and your attitude at the door and you’ve got night-vision. Now you’re ready for some fun. 

Who do you approach? Just like filtering on the apps, there are clues you can look out for to see if someone is compatible with whatever sexual preference you have that day.

The first one I look out for is wristbands. In some places you might even find 90% of guys wearing them (which is super helpful). Wristbands (usually black leather) are a clear identifier if someone is a top, bottom or vers.

If he’s wearing one on his left arm, he’s a top. If it’s on his right arm, he’s a bottom. If he has them on BOTH arms, he’s versatile! Simple! If like me, you get muddled up easily, my trick for you is this: if you‘re standing in front of him, your wrist bands should be parallel in front of each-other, not on opposite sides. EASY!

Wristbands aren’t always leather. Some are more of a sporty fabric and most of them are actually really handy because they have a zip compartment on the inside to store your money in. You can buy one from most gay sex/fetish shops. I get mine from Mister B.

Hardcore fetish guys might even take it a step further and have a leather strap around one of their biceps. If he’s got a band on each wrist, the bicep strap is usually the trump card. It could be the indicator that he’s ‘more top’ or ‘more bottom’. It could also just be that he likes the look of it, but it’s most likely a sign.

An important thing to remember on this topic is that if a guy is ‘presenting as a bottom’ for example, you have to respect that. Don’t follow him around trying to suck his dick and be a pest. Do you think he spent all that time ‘getting ready’ for nothing?

The next thing to consider is colour. If his wristband, bicep strap, chaps or other fetish gear have a coloured stripe on them, it’s not because it’s his favourite colour… This is a modern-day alternative to the hanky code (AKA flagging) which originated from the leather and denim community in the 1970’s to help gay men covertly find compatible partners who share the same BDSM fetishes. In a time when homosexuality was illegal, frowned upon or at least before there were openly gay venues, this was an essential, well-known pillar of the gay scene.

Imagine being a big old fisting bottom and not having an app to communicate to people what you’re into? Are you going to walk up to a stranger in the local cruising ground and ask him if he wants to fist you? Probably not, but kudos to you if you’re that confident!

The main ones to look out for are:

• Yellow – watersports
• Red – fisting
• Grey – bondage
• Dark blue – anal sex
• Light blue – oral sex
• Dark Green – daddy/boy play

This might seem complicated to beginners, but there is another way. Wearing kinky themed or comedy T-shirt’s has become a faithful fall-back to the various codes mentioned above. With stores like Prowler selling T-shirts that say things like ‘POWER BOTTOM’ or ‘Daddy’s Boy’ you can get your point across pretty clearly without needing to Google colours while you’re trying to get down to business.

Eye contact before body contact

This is a biggie, so listen up, boys. Just like in a bar, or on the street, consent is a vital thing to bear in mind when cruising anywhere – not just in a darkroom. Some people seem to think that just because you’re there, you’re open game and they can just grab you when you’re not looking. This is NOT the case. That’s like a straight man slapping a woman’s arse because she wore a short skirt. No, she wasn’t asking for it. She was just dressing in a way that made her feel good about herself. Behaviour like this is actually on the rape culture pyramid and could land you with a punch in the face.

The key here is establishing some sort of a connection, even a tiny one, before you initiate any form of physical contact with someone. Maybe you both looked at each other for a while and he smiled at you. Maybe you said hello and he replied in an interested way. These are green lights. But don’t think that means you can go straight for it.

Warm him up a little first. Stroke his pecs or his arm – see how he responds. You’ll know very quickly if he’s into it or not. If he is – go for it and enjoy! If at any time above he’s not shown interest in you, he’s not playing hard to get… he’s just not interested. Stop trying. No means no – even if he didn’t say the word.

PRIVACY

Some people are total exhibitionists and love to play in public spaces in front of others. There’s usually an area in a darkroom environment or even outdoor cruising spots which is more open and attracts guys who like an audience. 

A lot of people meet others in those areas but not everyone likes to put on a show. If someone finds a person they want to play with and they go off to find a quieter corner (or bush) for the love of Ru, DON’T FOLLOW THEM! If they wanted you to be involved or to watch, they would have stayed there.

People go off to quieter areas because they don’t like to be watched. While technically a  cruising ground in a park for example might not be a private space, you can still have some common decency and respect to let them have their moment together. 

If they’re people who don’t like to be watched, having you follow them and frantically rubbing one out next to them and trying to touch them while they try to enjoy each other is gross and really annoying. 

It goes back to the topic of consent. If they’ve removed themselves from a public/group environment, that means they are only consenting to being with each other at that moment. You’re not invited to join or watch unless they’ve specifically asked you to – so don’t!

Make mum proud – clean up

You showed up, you conquered and you came. You’re a load lighter (or a few loads heavier) and you’ve had a great time. Now I’m not saying you have to bring out the disinfectant spray and decontaminate your work station, but it’s always nice to tidy up after yourself. Would you like it if you got down on your knees to suck a dick and you knelt in a pool of some strangers cold load on the floor? No… Most cruising places like porn ‘cinemas’ which are popular in central Europe, will have paper towels and bins in the cubicles – use them! Just give it a quick wipe down. If you used condoms or sachets of lube, put your rubbish in the bin and leave it half decent for the next person. Just because it’s a sex venue doesn’t mean you have to be gross…

Thank you!

Finally, I had such a good time pulling this post together. I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to the willing guys who agreed to have their picture taken in order to make it happen: @boundrope – Cover image, @mikebenda.berlin – Cover image, @derschtefan – Couple images, @biscuittmfs_ – Couple images.